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OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me