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I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards