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Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable