You Might Also Like
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children