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“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.