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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.