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Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
what’s really going on
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff