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They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.