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there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.