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My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important