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[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.