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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.