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My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Seas the day!!!!
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.