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I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
What?!?
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you