You Might Also Like
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
where’s Godzilla when we need him
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Children of the corn 🌽
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.