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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.