You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Good advice.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
She puts the hot in psychotic
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.