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don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
This has made my week.