You Might Also Like
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.