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Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Sending in my taxes
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I’m not wrong
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa