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Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I occasionally drink every single night.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.