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*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
this is me
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Pro tip for my good boys out there
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Me driving through Toronto
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?