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The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside