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Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
White parent Vs Arab parents
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.