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[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Friends that check up on you >
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months