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looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
*pokes sex life with a stick
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times