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Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
i’m sure it’s fine
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My time has come.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off
people do NOT like that joke
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.