You Might Also Like
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”