You Might Also Like
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords