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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me