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I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Lmao
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I triple waxed for this?