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LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.