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If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.