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At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
💻🤡
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.