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Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.