You Might Also Like
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
my name if I was in the mob
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.