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In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Smile they said.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
mmm onion ringos
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard