You Might Also Like
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
smh
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub