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:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
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“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
incredible
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Seems legit
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Glasses
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”