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Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.