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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.