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KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
in 3 months
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.