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Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
