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*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”