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Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Gemma Correll
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.