You Might Also Like
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.