You Might Also Like
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open