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It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”