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BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.