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You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.