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Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Jesus Christ lmao
