Pro tip: don’t do anything to entertain a toddler that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing 1,000,000 more times
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[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
& double the price
“are u ok?”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[mustard company office]