If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
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I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
hey, alexa