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i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)