You Might Also Like
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
crazy
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?