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Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
This could be us… but you playing
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.