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Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
.. do you even science?
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?