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[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I am also baked goods
Thaw me like one of your french fries
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
That’s commitment
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]