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Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
A male goth is called a broth.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
If only
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
guys I’m going home
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
