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You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner