You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer