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The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
Fun Things
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point