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[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready