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If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
wtf is a larm clock?
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet