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[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Twitter fine art
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
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Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?