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I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”