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Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Bringing home a sharpie
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that