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My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.