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Otters drive ottermobiles.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Very problematic
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
