You Might Also Like
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes