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The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂