You Might Also Like
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
How software testing works
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.