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[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman