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mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up