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Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Breaking news:
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55