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I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.