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my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
my dad when a sex scene comes on
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.