You Might Also Like
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
out-housing market appears to be strong
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
you’re not fooling anyone
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems