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The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
She puts the hot in psychotic
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
grandparents are too precious for this world
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.