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I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.