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If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.