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Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
japanese corn
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.