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Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.