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I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.