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“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing