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therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
You are not alone 💚
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Finally a use for spoilers…
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG