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There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls