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guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
fair
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Bill is short for Billiam
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]