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Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.