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Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.