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“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Velcrow
when you order from DoorDastardly
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
A French press is when you hug naked
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please