You Might Also Like
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam