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I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Penguins walking in 5x speed
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too