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Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.