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Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.