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[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family