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I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Netflix and awkward silence?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.