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I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.