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Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
uh oh
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.