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HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare