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I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.