You Might Also Like
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.