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Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Perfect
I’ve been lied to my entire life
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.