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Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
They’re on their honeymoon
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”