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I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Nomnomnomnom
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
#CoronaOutbreak
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p