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It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
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