You Might Also Like
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Oops
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
me when the borders lift
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”